PATRIARCHY: PART 1 THE ETHIOPIAN WOMEN'S CHALLENGE
The writing of this article is the result of personal quest for many issues that have a very personal slant. The points I am going to discuss in this article are related to my personal experiences in search of a meaningful identity: one in which I could relate to totally and feel altogether comfortable with.
My academic background in the study of feminism is negligible. The motivation to explore this topic springs from a very basic personal need to connect with my identity as a female to the different aspect of life that has been the subject of much thought and introspection in the past couple of years. I know that I am not alone in this quest of hope to share the findings of this endeavor with my fellow women who have been grappling and groping for answers to this
question like I have.
I believe a person's ability to find meaning to their life stems from understanding the world around them. As I learned to understand myself better, I learned to understand the environment I live in more and I was beginning to understand how I related to and with my world and for me this is discovering my own identity. As I discovered myself I do not like what I saw because I had a limited understanding of the concept of identity; operating on the conventional paradigms of the subject, I had no choice. My pursuit for a meaningful identity has led me to shift the old paradigm in search for a new one.
I was born like an Ethiopian women in a male dominated society where the dominance of men and subservience of women in something that is indoctrinated in us from a very early age. I grew up with the knowledge that men are more privileged than women, they are supposed to be. Women exist at the instance of men; all the decision-making power belongs to men, both within the domestic and public spheres. Naturally the men make decision that favors them at the expense of their female counterparts. I learnt early that the art of serving and obeying men is a women’s province and her duty. It is hardly surprising then to find that I am still a ‘domesticated’ individual. My early upbringing was meant to prepare me for an eventuality that my fate, marriage and the limiting life that it entails. ‘It is a woman’s lot’ to endure this kinds of life.
The incident that triggered the thought to write this article is a recent event in Atlanta that reminded me of another phenomena that took place a few years ago. It was at this event that I saw it. I saw how women are ever so imperceptibly sidelined and excluded from decision-making. It happened so subtly that I felt sure that neither man nor women present ever saw it happen. I tried to speak out my mind - my reverie was broken, but I shall never forget that instance.
The incidence relates to lekso bete. I lost a close member of my family. When a person dies, mourners congregate at the home to console the bereaved family and make funeral arrangements. Funerals are taken to be very important events in Ethiopia. It is not only the duty of immediate family to bury the dead. All friends and relatives have an obligation to bury the deceased. Depending on the status of deceased. The mourners contribute money to give their dead friend or relative and decent burial that is usually organized through idir (self-help organizational structure). Thus, funeral meetings, more than many other conventional social gatherings, have gained immense social value as cultural events. These forums provide decision-making opportunities; Who shall order the coffin? What kind? Where? Etc. All of us family, friends and relatives congregated to mourn him as well as arrange for his funeral. Some of us stayed there night after night. It was at one of these evenings that I saw the spectacle I refer above.
At these meetings people contribute money and then make decisions about hot to spend that money. This includes that to buy, who shall do it, who shall be responsible for what, who shall read the eulogy, etc.
When we see the structure of idir, members appoint a chairman to lead the sessions; I say chairman because as long as I have attended idir meetings it is always a man who is chosen to be the leader of the group. On a few occasions a women is chosen to be the treasurer, the keeper of the money (women tend to be more trust worthy). Apparently, it is assumed that women are either too stupid or timid to think of stealing the money. Besides, if they are going to include a woman in the process, this is the best position she is going to get. I have often been piqued at not a woman being nominated to ‘lead’ the group.
Not that I personally am so hungry for a leadership position but I am convinced that there are women capable of leading, who have the organizational efficacy enough to be trusted with the process. No, the nominee is always a man. The message looks as if ‘some things cannot be trusted to a woman’.
Even in time of mourning, women are not equal to men. Male mourners are treated with more deference than the female ones. The female mourners are expected to go and assist in the kitchen, while the male mourners will sit in the meeting place, usually in Denkuane (tent). One friend, a real feminist I might add, once told me that she had gone to Lekso Bet and had been asked to yield her seat to a male newcomer. Careful not to lose her cool in such a somber setting, she politely declined to leave her seat and hung on to it until she left the gathering, much to the consternation and perplexity of the other women.
The incident I observed in Lekso Bet was the effective ‘weeding’ out of women from the meeting place, leaving only men to make the decisions about the funeral. I am not saying women are exactly forcibly ejected from their seats. They merely get up of their own volition to provide incoming men with sitting space. After all, a decent, well brought up woman does not sit while a man stands, does she? Being ‘well brought up women’ we did not stop to think about the effect of what we are doing, we merely gave in to years of conditioning and gave up our seats to men. By getting up and giving away our seats, I did not realize the enormity or significance of what we were really giving up. We were giving up not just our seats but our chance to be part of the decision making process that was going to affect us, at least in the funeral!
As I talked aloud to myself to the utter dismay of my relative, I wondered in amazement how many other ‘seats’ I had ever yielded without being any the wiser. I wondered how many seats Ethiopian women continue to yield, completely unaware that they were thereby signing off their right to power (as ability to make decisions is power), day by day. I wondered if the men I was watching with new eyes, realized how easily women relinquished their positions thereby empowering them, or they just took everything for granted. I have continued to wonder what will happen when more and more women learn not to relinquish their seats like my friend. Not just at the funeral meetings but in all spheres of life.
This is just one of the incidences where I observed the ways and methods employed by men to sideline women. In some meetings I have seen men gesture to each other almost imperceptibly and then step aside to discuss important matters. To the women present, who are obviously excluded from the private ‘gesture club’, there is no way they can simply walk up to the group of whispering men and participate. It would not only look extremely improper, a woman would not put her pride on the line to do so. She could be rudely rebuffed. The important thing is that the mere fact that they were deliberately excluded by the gestures meant that the men did not want them in the deliberations. This manner of exclusion happens at all sorts of social gatherings, including weddings and funerals.
As the meeting progresses, the men allocate the various jobs to be done to different people. Women always get the jobs of ensuring that there will be enough food for the mourners. They are the caterers and caretakers. The men are given responsibilities such as obtaining transportation for the mourners who will travel to attend the funeral as well as to negotiate any other big expenses. It would seem that while men are not readily trusted with the role of keeping the coffers, they are trusted with big expenses; a bit of a contradiction, I would say. Women’s duties in this process involve the no expenditure duties (such as catering and serving), or the low expenditure duties. This mode of doing things creates a hierarchy of authority. By distancing themselves from the woman folk, the men have continued to carve and wield positions of power and domination for themselves in the communities they live. The perpetuation of this power is very much dependent on continuation of the unquestioning subservience of women to men.
This state of affairs was, and still is, a source of much frustration to me, and it rankles my sense of justice a great deal. I believe that women should not be disadvantaged simply because of their sex. We are entitled to have the same opportunities as men. Although I fervently believe in the above truths and have spent a good portion of my life combating the inequality or double standards that exists between men and women, it was quite recently that I realized that I am a very socialized woman myself, enslaved as it were by the delimiting beliefs, especially as they pertain to women. I suppose one cannot grow up in a culture that is oppressive to women and fail to embody and espouse the same system of beliefs and values, irrespective of how objectionable they are to one personally.
The experience recounted here made me realize that my life was a contradiction in terms; kind of like preaching water but drinking wine. I only needed to comprehend what made me say one thing and yet really believe another. I also had to question my old belief systems to ensure that I truly believe what I preached, and preached what I believed. When I started this exercise of self-examination and reflection, I thought it was easy, but doing it has made me realize that it is not as simple as it looked at first. The challenge was to synchronize what I profess with what I believe.
While in principle I believe that men and women are equal, I realize that I grew up ‘knowing that this is not really true’. I found that, buried deep within my subconscious, is another very vibrant belief that men are, or even should be, better than women. I grew up learning whatever is feminine has tended to be devalued, even despised or deemed evil, while things masculine have been celebrated and venerated. I grew up witnessing the unequal and unfair standards between the sexes being well depicted in all spheres of life.
. . to be continued in the next issue
By Muluken Teshome (Atlanta)
THE GREATEST GIFTS PARENTS CAN GIVE THEIR CHILDREN
The greatest gift parents can give their children is to talk to them from the time they are babies and whenever possible. Why? Talk helps children develop language skills that are critical to school success: speaking, reading, and writing.
When you talk to your baby, in whatever language you speak at home, you are teaching them words- vocabulary- and how to put words together to form sentences.
It is important to talk to your children, even babies, using "complex" sentences. Instead of saying "mommy cooking" tell your baby what you are doing and why. " I am going to cook food now because it is dinner time. When I have finished cooking we will have a good meal."
If you think talking does not make a difference, think about this. By the time children are 18 months old, children who are spoken to in the above manner have a larger vocabulary than other children who are just told what to do. Because they have a larger vocabulary, children will find it easier to go from speaking to reading and writing. This is because the words written on the page will be familiar to them. They will not have to struggle to learn the word and then read it. Instead, they will just have to learn that the letters on the paper correspond to the way that word is written.
So whenever you can, speak to your children, even as babies. Remember it is never too early to help them learn!
By Lei-Anne Ellis, M. S.
Agenda For Children, Cambridge
The writing of this article is the result of personal quest for many issues that have a very personal slant. The points I am going to discuss in this article are related to my personal experiences in search of a meaningful identity: one in which I could relate to totally and feel altogether comfortable with.
My academic background in the study of feminism is negligible. The motivation to explore this topic springs from a very basic personal need to connect with my identity as a female to the different aspect of life that has been the subject of much thought and introspection in the past couple of years. I know that I am not alone in this quest of hope to share the findings of this endeavor with my fellow women who have been grappling and groping for answers to this
question like I have.
I believe a person's ability to find meaning to their life stems from understanding the world around them. As I learned to understand myself better, I learned to understand the environment I live in more and I was beginning to understand how I related to and with my world and for me this is discovering my own identity. As I discovered myself I do not like what I saw because I had a limited understanding of the concept of identity; operating on the conventional paradigms of the subject, I had no choice. My pursuit for a meaningful identity has led me to shift the old paradigm in search for a new one.
I was born like an Ethiopian women in a male dominated society where the dominance of men and subservience of women in something that is indoctrinated in us from a very early age. I grew up with the knowledge that men are more privileged than women, they are supposed to be. Women exist at the instance of men; all the decision-making power belongs to men, both within the domestic and public spheres. Naturally the men make decision that favors them at the expense of their female counterparts. I learnt early that the art of serving and obeying men is a women’s province and her duty. It is hardly surprising then to find that I am still a ‘domesticated’ individual. My early upbringing was meant to prepare me for an eventuality that my fate, marriage and the limiting life that it entails. ‘It is a woman’s lot’ to endure this kinds of life.
The incident that triggered the thought to write this article is a recent event in Atlanta that reminded me of another phenomena that took place a few years ago. It was at this event that I saw it. I saw how women are ever so imperceptibly sidelined and excluded from decision-making. It happened so subtly that I felt sure that neither man nor women present ever saw it happen. I tried to speak out my mind - my reverie was broken, but I shall never forget that instance.
The incidence relates to lekso bete. I lost a close member of my family. When a person dies, mourners congregate at the home to console the bereaved family and make funeral arrangements. Funerals are taken to be very important events in Ethiopia. It is not only the duty of immediate family to bury the dead. All friends and relatives have an obligation to bury the deceased. Depending on the status of deceased. The mourners contribute money to give their dead friend or relative and decent burial that is usually organized through idir (self-help organizational structure). Thus, funeral meetings, more than many other conventional social gatherings, have gained immense social value as cultural events. These forums provide decision-making opportunities; Who shall order the coffin? What kind? Where? Etc. All of us family, friends and relatives congregated to mourn him as well as arrange for his funeral. Some of us stayed there night after night. It was at one of these evenings that I saw the spectacle I refer above.
At these meetings people contribute money and then make decisions about hot to spend that money. This includes that to buy, who shall do it, who shall be responsible for what, who shall read the eulogy, etc.
When we see the structure of idir, members appoint a chairman to lead the sessions; I say chairman because as long as I have attended idir meetings it is always a man who is chosen to be the leader of the group. On a few occasions a women is chosen to be the treasurer, the keeper of the money (women tend to be more trust worthy). Apparently, it is assumed that women are either too stupid or timid to think of stealing the money. Besides, if they are going to include a woman in the process, this is the best position she is going to get. I have often been piqued at not a woman being nominated to ‘lead’ the group.
Not that I personally am so hungry for a leadership position but I am convinced that there are women capable of leading, who have the organizational efficacy enough to be trusted with the process. No, the nominee is always a man. The message looks as if ‘some things cannot be trusted to a woman’.
Even in time of mourning, women are not equal to men. Male mourners are treated with more deference than the female ones. The female mourners are expected to go and assist in the kitchen, while the male mourners will sit in the meeting place, usually in Denkuane (tent). One friend, a real feminist I might add, once told me that she had gone to Lekso Bet and had been asked to yield her seat to a male newcomer. Careful not to lose her cool in such a somber setting, she politely declined to leave her seat and hung on to it until she left the gathering, much to the consternation and perplexity of the other women.
The incident I observed in Lekso Bet was the effective ‘weeding’ out of women from the meeting place, leaving only men to make the decisions about the funeral. I am not saying women are exactly forcibly ejected from their seats. They merely get up of their own volition to provide incoming men with sitting space. After all, a decent, well brought up woman does not sit while a man stands, does she? Being ‘well brought up women’ we did not stop to think about the effect of what we are doing, we merely gave in to years of conditioning and gave up our seats to men. By getting up and giving away our seats, I did not realize the enormity or significance of what we were really giving up. We were giving up not just our seats but our chance to be part of the decision making process that was going to affect us, at least in the funeral!
As I talked aloud to myself to the utter dismay of my relative, I wondered in amazement how many other ‘seats’ I had ever yielded without being any the wiser. I wondered how many seats Ethiopian women continue to yield, completely unaware that they were thereby signing off their right to power (as ability to make decisions is power), day by day. I wondered if the men I was watching with new eyes, realized how easily women relinquished their positions thereby empowering them, or they just took everything for granted. I have continued to wonder what will happen when more and more women learn not to relinquish their seats like my friend. Not just at the funeral meetings but in all spheres of life.
This is just one of the incidences where I observed the ways and methods employed by men to sideline women. In some meetings I have seen men gesture to each other almost imperceptibly and then step aside to discuss important matters. To the women present, who are obviously excluded from the private ‘gesture club’, there is no way they can simply walk up to the group of whispering men and participate. It would not only look extremely improper, a woman would not put her pride on the line to do so. She could be rudely rebuffed. The important thing is that the mere fact that they were deliberately excluded by the gestures meant that the men did not want them in the deliberations. This manner of exclusion happens at all sorts of social gatherings, including weddings and funerals.
As the meeting progresses, the men allocate the various jobs to be done to different people. Women always get the jobs of ensuring that there will be enough food for the mourners. They are the caterers and caretakers. The men are given responsibilities such as obtaining transportation for the mourners who will travel to attend the funeral as well as to negotiate any other big expenses. It would seem that while men are not readily trusted with the role of keeping the coffers, they are trusted with big expenses; a bit of a contradiction, I would say. Women’s duties in this process involve the no expenditure duties (such as catering and serving), or the low expenditure duties. This mode of doing things creates a hierarchy of authority. By distancing themselves from the woman folk, the men have continued to carve and wield positions of power and domination for themselves in the communities they live. The perpetuation of this power is very much dependent on continuation of the unquestioning subservience of women to men.
This state of affairs was, and still is, a source of much frustration to me, and it rankles my sense of justice a great deal. I believe that women should not be disadvantaged simply because of their sex. We are entitled to have the same opportunities as men. Although I fervently believe in the above truths and have spent a good portion of my life combating the inequality or double standards that exists between men and women, it was quite recently that I realized that I am a very socialized woman myself, enslaved as it were by the delimiting beliefs, especially as they pertain to women. I suppose one cannot grow up in a culture that is oppressive to women and fail to embody and espouse the same system of beliefs and values, irrespective of how objectionable they are to one personally.
The experience recounted here made me realize that my life was a contradiction in terms; kind of like preaching water but drinking wine. I only needed to comprehend what made me say one thing and yet really believe another. I also had to question my old belief systems to ensure that I truly believe what I preached, and preached what I believed. When I started this exercise of self-examination and reflection, I thought it was easy, but doing it has made me realize that it is not as simple as it looked at first. The challenge was to synchronize what I profess with what I believe.
While in principle I believe that men and women are equal, I realize that I grew up ‘knowing that this is not really true’. I found that, buried deep within my subconscious, is another very vibrant belief that men are, or even should be, better than women. I grew up learning whatever is feminine has tended to be devalued, even despised or deemed evil, while things masculine have been celebrated and venerated. I grew up witnessing the unequal and unfair standards between the sexes being well depicted in all spheres of life.
. . to be continued in the next issue
By Muluken Teshome (Atlanta)
THE GREATEST GIFTS PARENTS CAN GIVE THEIR CHILDREN
The greatest gift parents can give their children is to talk to them from the time they are babies and whenever possible. Why? Talk helps children develop language skills that are critical to school success: speaking, reading, and writing.
When you talk to your baby, in whatever language you speak at home, you are teaching them words- vocabulary- and how to put words together to form sentences.
It is important to talk to your children, even babies, using "complex" sentences. Instead of saying "mommy cooking" tell your baby what you are doing and why. " I am going to cook food now because it is dinner time. When I have finished cooking we will have a good meal."
If you think talking does not make a difference, think about this. By the time children are 18 months old, children who are spoken to in the above manner have a larger vocabulary than other children who are just told what to do. Because they have a larger vocabulary, children will find it easier to go from speaking to reading and writing. This is because the words written on the page will be familiar to them. They will not have to struggle to learn the word and then read it. Instead, they will just have to learn that the letters on the paper correspond to the way that word is written.
So whenever you can, speak to your children, even as babies. Remember it is never too early to help them learn!
By Lei-Anne Ellis, M. S.
Agenda For Children, Cambridge
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